This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
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