Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
