She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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