You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
