The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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