Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
