You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
