I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
