I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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