those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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