thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
