i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
