So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
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