youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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