You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
