Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
