Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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