As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize