After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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