The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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