things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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