Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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