things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
