it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
