I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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