I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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