8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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