Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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