Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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