Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
