Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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