I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
