Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
