Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
He is an equal opportunity slut.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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