He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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