Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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