I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I'm passing your future prison.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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