Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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