Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
