he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
