I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
