If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
