the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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