i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
