My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
