Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
