Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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