They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize