I wanna bring you to show and tell
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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