I met the friendliest cop last night
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
