I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
