Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
