you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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