Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
