I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize