and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Naked. naked and bneed help.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
